EEP!
by Engrish Mastar
Summary: The crew find a planet that is an EEP - an electronically engineered planet. A certain character decides to take over the entire planet and rule over the others. Takes place before the ep 'White Hole'. Comic, unserious slash. R and R please!
1. Chapter 1: Does anyone want any toast?

1. Does anyone want any toast?

Dave Lister looked through the kitchen cupboards for a vindaloo. "Hol?" he shouted, "Where's the food? I mean, vindaloo?"

"It's gone," she replied.

"Since when?"

"Since it was deemed inedible."

"It was inedible before, Holly, you know that." Rimmer entered the room, with a smirk on his face. Lister's face turned purple.

"You did it, didn't you Rimmer?" he snarled.

"Did what Listy? Holly, what's he dribbling about?" Rimmer asked.

"You chucked my vindaloo out into space! You arsehole, smeg-for-brained complete and total GIT!!" He plunged for Rimmer, went straight through him and crashed to the floor.

"Ahh, the one advantage of being a hologram," Rimmer smiled, "No one can ever hurt you."

"I'm gonna get yeh one of these days Rimmer," Lister threatened, "When those smeggin aliens come and give yeh a new body, I'm gonna smash that body into bits."

"Ahh, but the teensy weensy problem in that plan, Listy, is that my new body will be indestructible! One of the perks of being _dead _Lister. Don't worry, you're half the way there: You look dead enough. But you are slightly more alive than me, and therefore you are being disrespectful of the dead. I could give you some sort of punishment for that."

"What sort, Rimmer?" he retorted, "Go on, quote me some of yeh space core directives, eh? You can't Rimmer, can yeh? 'Cause you don't know any of 'em, 'cause you're hopeless at EVERYTHING, Rimmer! You can't do even one smegging thing right! Not even. Arnold _Judas _Rimmer, bloody gazpacho soup!"

That hit a nerve. If Lister couldn't attack Rimmer physically, then he could certainly hurt him emotionally. Rimmer had to say something: "That was out of order Lister, you promised never to mention it ever again."

"Oh, miss noble now are we?"

"Miss?"

"Yeah, miss, 'cause you scream like a bloody girl and run away at the slightest danger to yourself, even though you can't be hurt, and you let me take all the smeg!"

"I won't listen to any more of this, I'm going." And with that, Rimmer stormed down the corridor."

"Smeg! Hol, did he?" Lister questioned.

"That information cannot be accessed," Holly replied robotically. Instantly Lister knew that it meant "yes". He wailed in despair and curled up in the corner. Without a vindaloo, he was helpless. A chirpy voice perked up from across the room:

"Would you like any toast?"

"Okay," Lister sighed in defeat. Toast was all right, and it would at least keep his stomach from grumbling for now, but it would never replace a vindaloo. The toaster wailed with delight: "My life goal has been fulfilled! This is the first time anyone has actually wanted any toast when I ask them! I knew this would be the perfect time for toast! With you favourite food supplies low, and all."

"Supplies? You mean, everything's gone? Including the lager?"

"Well, not gone, but low."

"How do you know that?"

"I can tap into electronic information, being an electronic device, you know." Then the toast popped up. "Ooh! That tickles!" the toaster giggled, "Enjoy your toast!"

"I'm gonna make it my life goal to get a vindaloo, then smash Rimmer to bits," Lister mumbled under his breath, as he spread jam on his toast, and opened on of the last few cans of lager.

"Enjoy your toast, lager, vindaloo, and the smashing of Rimmer to bits," said the toaster. If toasters could smile, this one would have a big cheesy grin right now.


	2. Chapter 2: EEP

2. E.E.P

**Read and review please - and I'll write more!

* * *

**

While Lister sat huddled in the corner, gulping down his toast and slowly drinking his lager to relish it, Holly's voice echoed throughout the ship: "Everyone, there's been an interesting planet sighted, please hurry to Starbug to fly down and investigate." Lister slowly got to his feet, finished off his meal, and threw the plate and can to the ground. "All right, Hol, I'm coming."

He entered starbug's control room and glared at Rimmer.

"Look I didn't tough your smegging vindaloo, Lister, O.K?" Rimmer snarled, "I don't care. I don't enjoy other people's pain like you do. I don't know who did it, and frankly, I don't much care."

"You what? You _love_ other people's pain, Rimmer. You love to have a go at me clothes, me food, me position on the ship, just to build up your own ego!"

"What's wrong, Mr Lister Sir?" Kryten asked, as he saw the purple faced Lister.

"_Rimmer _chucked me vindaloo into space just to see me squirm!"

"I don't think he would do _that_, sir. I mean, he maybe a pompous smeeeee heeeeee, but for starter's he couldn't, being a hologram and all. He would need either my help or the scutters, and since you are in a higher position than him I wouldn't be able to obey his orders because I know how much pain it would cause you, sir. And the scutters are pretty useless, lets face it. They could barely lift a vindaloo without dropping to the floor with a big _splat_!" Kryten chuckled at what must have been the imaginary vindaloo hitting the floor with a splat.

"All right, that's enough Kryten," said Rimmer, "Just tell us about this planet we're heading too."

"Well, Mr Rimmer Sir, it's an -"

"Hey guys, what the smeg is goin' on?" The cat had just entered the control room of starbug where they were sitting. He looked as snappily-dressed and well-groomed as ever, but there was a look of distress on his face. What could such a feline possibly be distressed about? "The robot machiney thing says that _there's no food! _No fish, no chicken, no nothing! I'm starving!"

"That is certainly very peculiar, sirs. I don't think Rimmer bothers with the cat; Lister, you have to agree. So something is getting rid of all the food on board."

Starbug lifted off.

"Except for toast," Lister moaned furiously, "Smegging toast."

Kryten chuckled: "I don't think a toaster would be any trouble sirs. His only job is to serve toast. He certainly wouldn't behave evil: it would go against his programming."

"Shut the smeg up about toast Kryten," demanded Rimmer, "I want to hear about this planet!"

"Well it's an EEP."

"An eep?" exclaimed Cat.

"Shut up!" yelled the others in unison.

Kryten continued: "No an E.E.P.: An Electronically Engineered Planet, designed to fulfil your life goals and dreams. When you enter, you will become completely made of electrical signals, like a character in a computer game."

"Hold on," said Lister, "Are you tellin' me that that planet is like the game '_Better than Life_'?"

"I suppose so, sirs. But everything you eat and touch will be completely real, until you leave the planet. You see, it was originally designed as a holiday destination, not something to spend your life in."

"Will this be anything like the disaster that happened in the game?" Rimmer said apprehensively.

"What do you mean, Mr Rimmer," Kryten asked.

"Last time we went in Rimmer smegged it up 'cause his brain couldn't handle nice things happening to him," Lister replied grimly.

"Oh no sirs," Kryten affirmed, "This programme is much more advanced than a simple computer game: it delves into your subconscious and seeks out, intelligently, your biggest desires."

"Desires?" the Cat squeaked, "Can it make... people appear? You know... like girls?"

"Well, Mr Cat, this was always a tricky area for the creators and eventually they decided against it. They were too scared of being sued because people would fall in love with the electronic people and at the same time having their hearts broken and minds twisted at the horrible thought of them not being real."

"Sounds like Rimmer and inflatable Ingred" Lister smirked. Rimmer glared at him and his nostrils flared.

Starbug finally touched down in the electronic planet while the crew discussed, in the politest manner, what they would do when there. Meanwhile an observant toaster, held by one of the scutters while the other held a small connecting wire, waited patiently for them to leave.


	3. Chapter 3: Vindaloo and lager on toast?

Vindaloo and lager... on toast?

**Read and review plz!! And I will write more!! Not much is happening at the mo - but I'm warning you: the next chapter contains serious wrongness/sickness and comic slash (is it slash? I'm not exactly very sure about that genre of fan fic - you will have to read). It's not meant to be serious, and I really hope it will be more funny than sick. I'm not too clued up on ratings either - I might have to change it to M+. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (In advance - this chapter is perfectly safe).  
**

* * *

The Crew exited Starbug, and something very amazing happened:

Lister pushed Rimmer down the stairs. "What the smeg was that for?" Rimmer cried, as he picked himself up from the floor. Cat and Lister high-fived.

"Right on, buddy!" Cat said, grinning, "I owe you a fiver!" They all followed and found a rather posh-looking foyer. Normally Ace would have been irritated by Lister's disrespect for a commanding officer, but he had other things on his mind: A look of dawning realisation appeared on his face:

"I can touch! I have a physical body?"

"That is rather strange," Kryters said, "I think the system has been contaminated. Normally it would be impossible to hurt another being here. Are you hurt Mr. Ace?"

"A slight bump but I barely felt it. I feel on top of the world! Wait: what did you call me Kryters?"

"It seems we are all in 'casual' mode, sirs. It is part of the planet's function to make us all feel as comfortable as possible."

"Wicked!" said Dave, "So what are those doors there with our names on?"

"Well Dave, they are the entrances to our specialised suites," replied Kryters, "Once inside, we will each be completely separate from each other."

"So what are we waiting for!" cried the Amazing Feline Hunk, "Let's go! I wanna see what warrior princesses will be awaiting me behind those doors ! AWWWWWW! Hey girls, I'm comin' for you, form a cue, don't worry, I'm always fashionably late! AWWWWWWW!" And the Amazing Feline Hunk strode towards the electrical doors, opened them, and made a spectacular screaming entrance. The others simply saw a small room with another door, which was obviously for privacy reasons. They were quite glad to see this, as opposed to seeing his room with what the Amazing Feline Hunk might have in there. The door closed and suddenly a thought occurred to Ace:

"Didn't you tell the Amazing Feline Hunk – wait what? I mean - didn't you tell... _him _that there won't be people the other side of those doors?" he asked.

"Indeed I did, sirs, but he _obviously_ forgot. Besides, if the system has been corrupted with a virus etcetera, when who knows?" Said Kryters, "Also, my logic would tell me that with the amazing - hmph - _his _incredible shallowness that the chances of him falling in love are about as much as winning the lottery 5 times in a row, or even for Rimmer to find someone that isn't repulsed by his irritating pompousness."

"_You _are the right irritating pompous git, Kryten," Retorted Rimmer and, in frustration. he left and entered his room.

"Thank silicon heaven that the Smeghead has left. He's beginning a teensy weensy bit to get on my circuits." moaned Kryten

"Did you just say that, Krytes?" asked Lister in amazement.

"Did I? Oh yes, I did. Smug mode! Well now the Smeghead has gone, we are free to call him whatever we want."

"Smeghead is fine by me. Well, anyway," said Dave, "I think we should try this place out. First thing: a vindaloo and lager on toast."

"That's an odd combination, sir," stated a rather confused Kryters.

"You what?" said Lister, "I always have it: Vindaloo and lager."

"Sorry I must be hearing things, Dave, sir. This system must be rather old and cranky by now."

" Let's get going."

As the two of them walked towards their separate doors, one of the scutters appeared from behind Starbug. It signalled to the other scutter, who was holding the toaster, to come out from hiding.

"Excellent," whispered the toaster, "It'll be toast for all when I have control. I tapped into the planet's electronic system and it's really old, so it'll be easy to take over. You saw how I inserted that word so easily into Lister's mouth. But lets watch them all first. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"


	4. Chapter 4: Expect sickness

Expect Sickness

**Author's note (or as I like to call them, Arthur's nuts - it's a quote from another fanfic):  
**

**PLEASE do not take this seriously. I am not a sick person and I _love _Rimmer (lol) but I thought this would be a great idea for a comic situation. But, as the title states, expect sickness. This chapter does involve Rimmer's mind, after all. So read and review with _constructive _criticism please! I really want to know how good I am as a comic writer, as I want to write a parody next (of something else -.o) and I want to know how good I am. So lots of helpful advice, please and be nice! =)**

**By the way, this chapter makes references to an episode that happened after white hole. But it doesn't matter: we're dwarfers, right? So we can take any uncontinuity!  
**

* * *

The room Rimmer was met with was one of good old-fashioned order and elegance. The first thing he noticed was that in the one corner, he was met with a neat and tidy office desk with a computer and space for writing, with a desk tidy and a stack of post-it notes. Above, on the wall, there was a picture of him smiling broadly surrounded by Napoleon, Hitler, and all the other dictators featured in 'Fascist dictators monthly'. The photographed Rimmer was wearing an admirals outfit and on his chest there were a row of medals for bravery and general being-a-good-officer-ness. In the photo next to it there was Rimmer eating gazpacho soup (served hot) with the captain of Red Dwarf, who was suggesting that Rimmer would be captain when he died. The next photo was of the captain suddenly dieing horribly from a heart attack, and there was Rimmer, saluting and standing proudly, with one foot on the dead captain's back. It all made Rimmer feel happy, with a warm, smug feeling inside. So much so that he didn't even notice the rest of the room, and neither the person lying on the grand four-poster bed.

"Lookey here Tiger!" Spoke a sexy, female voice.

"Yvonne Mcgruder?"

She was lying on the bed in a sexy negligée. "So it is, my Captain, Admiral, Ace Rimmer." replied Yvonne. She then got up and kissed Rimmer hard, pressing her body close to him.

They began to make out, and caress each other's bodies. Rimmer closed his eyes, which probably was a good thing, considering what would happen next.

Yvonne's body began to disappear. With his eyes closed, Rimmer thought that his hands must be going numb: he wasn't used to this sort of closeness with a female. But he didn't dare stop, for politeness, of course. Instead her moved his hands up to see if he could caress her hair. He now felt none - but wait - the was something; short and course, like an animal's fur. The mouth tasted different too, and he noticed a distinct lack of tongue. It was so weird that Rimmer opened his eyes:

There was nothing ahead of him. Slowly, he sent his gaze downwards, and saw... a small, furry black creature.

"Gah!" he spluttered and stumbled backwards. The thing that faced hm was none other than Mr Flibbles, floating in the air. The sight alone would have been strange enough, if it weren't for the knowledge that Rimmer had just made out with it.

"What the smeg is going on?" Rimmer cried, and to his shock, for the first time, Mr Flibble replied,

"You tell me. You brought me here."

"But what about Yvonne Mcgruder? Where did she go?"

"The planet isn't allowed to bring people hee. You know that."

"Well then why was she here before? And why are you here?"

"She was never here: it was me all along. And in case you hadn't noticed: I'm not a person. The creators never expected for different species, let alone furry puppets, to fall in love with each other, let alone find each other attractive."

"What?" yelled Rimmer, horrified.

"Oh, come on," replied the puppet in a teasing voice, "Remember the good old days? You found me in that drawer and, in a universe where you were dead and lonely, with only an idiotic droid, a self-obsessed feline and the biggest slob in the universe for company, you found someone. Someone who was designed to be touchable b a hologram. Someone who reminded you of a long-lost someone else. Yvonne McGruder is dead now, and you have me; It's only natural. All that time you had your hand up my bottom; don't tell me you didn't love it!"

"But I was mad, under some sort of virus. And you're just a puppet!"

"That's just the reaction I expected, which is why I took the form of McGruder in the first place. Think about it logically: you have a chance with only one person in the universe and that's me."

"Bring back Yvonne!"

"I can be just as good as McGruder, in fact even better. Think about it: you've had your hand up me. Just think about what else you can have up me."

"This is smegging insane. The bloody system is corrupted or something."

"_Or _I'm what your subconcious wants."

"Not _that _again! Shut the smeg up! I have to tell Lister and the others what's going on."

"Aha!"

"Aha what?"

"Lister's first on your list, eh? So you care more for Lister, the man you swear you hate, than the others? Well, perhaps there's more to you than you think Rimmer. The subconcious is a funny thing."

"You're the funny thing and I don't date funny things. You're not even alive, for smeg's sake!"

"Neither are you. Come on, this might be your only chance to have sex as a hologram in the rest of your eternity. After all, you won't dare touch that game again, will you?"

"Get out of my head!"

"I will if you get _in _me."

Rimmer was stuck: he either looses all his dignity and... well... you know, or he leaves and faces the 'terrifying' idea of never having sex again. But since he had little dignity anyway...

"Oh, to hell with it."

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**See what I mean? Please, be nice  
**

**I also want to credit Garry2rs****, for I used the idea of Mr Flibbles belonging to Yvonne McGruder from that person: .net/s/3227331/1/Mr_Flibble_His_Own_Story . Without you there wouldn't be this chapter! =)  
**


	5. Chapter 5: Breeding horses

Breeding horses with a cow and a sheep

Lister was in Fiji. Alone, with only a cow, sheep and horses for company, but it was a start. Atleast he had an endless supply of vindaloo and lager. He used a bright red phone to contact Kryten.

"Hey Krytes, how's everything?"

"Brilliant, Dave Sir," replied a high-pitched voice on the phone," I have human emotions: I can lie and cheat, and I won a game of strip poker too! Of couse I'm not wearing any clothes to start with... But anyway, most of all I have my own Garden! I planted all the seeds myself, watered them, and watched them grow!"

"Oh yeah, that was what you always wanted, wasn't it? Wait - how did they grow so fast?"

"Because I wanted them to! It's just beautiful, Dave. You should come see it sometime. It might not be to your taste, but I have a specialised curry plant that is in bloom."

"Wicked."

"How is everything where you are?"

"Pretty good. Ain't the sane without Kochanski, though. I have a cow, sheep and I'm breeding horses."

"With a cow and a sheep, sir?"

"Nah, with horses. And we're gonna open up a takeaway."

"You and the horses?"

"No, don't be ridiculous! I'm breedin' them horses! They're gonna be prize racin' horses."

"With who, then?"

"With the sheep. He's quite tame, really. I named him Jimmy, after a old best mate. They kinda look like each other, really. An' I don't mean to insult the sheep or nothin', but they really do."

"So what are you going to sell?"

"Toast"

"You said it again, sir! Something is seriously wrong here!"

"What?"

"You said..." Kryten lowered his voice to a whisper: "You said... 'toast', sir."

"You what? Toast? Smeg... why toast?"

"I don't know - you said it before, too. I think there might be something strange at work."

"Hold on mate, I got a call from another line." He switched over to the Cat.

"Hey, buddy!" Spoke a voice charismatically down the phone.

"Hey Cat," Replied Lister.

"That's the Amazing Feline Hunk to you!"

"Right. So how's things?"

"That's why I'm ringing you, bud. Things are strange; My girls... they're feedin' me fish on toast! All the time!"

"Toast? Man, I'm having the same problem."

"And it's white bread too. White is an extremely unflattering colour. Only someone like me could pull it off!"

Lister transferred the call back to Kryten.

"The Cat's having the same toast problem, Krytes. There's something really strange goin' on."

"Personally I haven't been having any toast-related trouble, Mr. Lister Sir. However I have noticed one thing."

"What?"

"We are no longer in 'casual mode' sir. This system has gone rather inconsistent, which I think shows rather poor workmanship, if you ask me, sir. I think I had better get Mr Rimmer on the line." Kryten put down the receiver and auto-dialled Rimmer's room, but a cool female voice replied:

"This line cannot be reached right now. This is most likely due to the owner of the room wanting privacy. Please, call back later."

Kryten made a funny-sounding, muffled scream that signified frustration. He then re-dialled Lister.

"I'm sorry sir, but Mr. Rimmer has blocked all calls for 'privacy reasons'."

"Well that settles it then," replied Lister, "We're gonna have to go into Rimmer's room. Brace yourself Krytes. We're talkin' 'bout Rimmer, his mind and privacy: This is gonna be sick, I bet ya,"

"Sir I have an update on the 'toast' agenda; my plants have just bore their 'fruit', but that fruit is nooo fruit, oh no!" Kryten spoke in a dramatic voice and left a pause for suspense: "They have sprouted perfectly edible, hot pieces of buttered toast!"

"You've really gone quite loopy, haven't you Kryten? Come on, let's get Rimmer and get out of here. I think I know who's behind all this."

"Who, sir?"

"Yeah, who?" said the Cat.

"Cat?" exclaimed Lister, "How've you been listening in?"

"It's a 3-way telephone, bud."

"Right then, then you'll know what's goin' on."

"I never know what's goin' on!"

"We're gettin' Rimmer from his room, gettin' out of here and snashin' that smeggin' talkie toaster to smithereens!"

"Talkie toaster, sir?" said a rather bemused kryten, "Could it really be capable of all this?"

"Oh, I know what the little bleeder's capable of," snarled Lister, "I figured it all out. Although Rimmer's a smeghead, he didn't touch my vindaloo; it was the toaster. He probably had the scutters help too. And you, Kryten!"

"Me?" Kryten squeaked.

"Yeah, you. The toaster can tap into electrical systems, he told me. So my guess is he can control 'em too. I'm bettin' he controlled you into chucking our favourite foods into space and then wiped your memory. So we would eat toast. And now he's controlling this smegging planet. Slowly so we won't notice it. Well I noticed it, mate."

"You must be right sir, all the pieces seem to fall into place. But, me? It's just not possible. Unless that toaster contains some sort of software that would allow it too override my most fundamental programmi - uh oh. Permission to bang my head against the wall, sir."

"What have you done, Kryten?"

"I... I was looking for a way to improve Holly, sir, so I thought about inventing some software that would allow me to override core programming. I put it on a disk and must have left it lying around."

"Oh, Kryten," moaned Lister, "So this is all your fault then!"

"Oh forgive me sir! Permission to kill myself. Take me to pieces and fire them in a box out into the nearest sun!"

"I might do, Kryten. Depends on how I feel. Come on, let's get going."

The three left their rooms and grouped together in the foyer. "Right guys," said Lister, "Brace yourselves."

"I think an appropriate phrase to use in this situation would be something like: It's Rimmer's mind in there: expect sickness, sir."

"Good phrase, man, I might use that."


	6. Chapter 6: Mrs Flibbles

**Arthur's Nuts: Thanks for the reviews, favourites and subscribers people ^_^**

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Mrs Flibbles

Lister pressed the buzzer by Rimmer's door.

"Yes?" spoke the relaxed voice of Rimmer, who could see the others via a camera above his room door. "Ah, Listy, Kryten and the Cat, I see. Do come in."

"Rimmer's happy?" said Cat, bemused.

"It appears so, sirs," confirmed Kryten.

"I'll go in first," said Lister, "And if I say everything's arigh', then you come in after me. Here I go!"

Lister slowly opened the door and closed it behind him. The sound of another door squeaking open then closing could be heard. A few seconds passed.

Suddenly there was a blood-curdling _scream _from the room! Kryten and the Cat burst into the room and joined in the scream. There was Rimmer, in golden pigtails, a red and white chequed gingham dress and army boots. And he was accompanied by a floating Mr Flibbles. And they were sitting at the breakfast table, eating... toast.

"Welcome gentlemen," said Rimmer, "there's no need to be alarmed by my appearance. I'm not under any sort of hologramatic _**virus**_." Mr Flibbles' eyes narrowed at Rimmer. "Erm - well - anyway," he continued, "I hope you will join us for toast. It's... all we seem to have."

"Rimmer, what's wrong with you?" questioned Lister, "And whats with... the puppet?"

"Oh don't worry; he's not _**in contol of me**_ or anything... though he did want me to wear this."

"Rimmer, do you realise how _obvious _you sound? You're about as subtle as the Cat trying to disguise himself to get into a nerd convention."

"He's ashamed," smirked Mr Flibbles, the hearing of his voice for the first time causing Kryten to jump, "Of what happened last night and why he's dressed like this. Isn't that right, Mrs Flibbles?"

"You what?" said Lister, suddenly wary, "What happened Rimmer?"

"Nothing interesting at all," said Rimmer, almost sounding like he was about to cry, "There's no need to_** get me out**_ at all."

"Be quiet!" roared the puppet at Rimmer, then said calmly to the others: "We..." and the next few words uttered made Lister physically sick all over the Cat.

"Oh my God!" bawled the Cat, "Yellow, green _and _red? How can I pull off all those colours with my leopard-print suit? Thanks, bud, that'll never come out! Not only have I heard the most disgustin' thing I will _ever _hear, I have also had one of my favourite 322 suits ruined, too! This has turned out to be the worst day I've had since I said the word Jozxyqk!"

Lister ignored the Cat and turned to Rimmer. "That's sick, man. Smeggin' disgustin'. How could you do it, man? _And _dressed like that?"

"Just sick!" squeaked Kryten.

"So, you want the details, then?" smirked Mr Flibbles.

"No way, man," said the Cat, "I've had enough sickness for one day. And toast! This whole planet is toast-obsessed."

"Were you list'ning to a word I've been saying?" hissed Lister, "This planet's been taken over by Talkie Toaster."

Suddenly had a look of realisation appeared on Rimmers' face "Of course!" he shrieked excitedly, "It's not my fault! The toaster's in control of everything."

"Shut up!" shrieked Mr Flibbles and headbutted Rimmer, sending him flying across the room and knocking him unconscious. Mr Flibble's eyes glowed red. You're all under the control of Talkie toaster, now. And you will all eat toast for the rest of eternity! MWAHAHAHA!!"

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	7. Chapter 7: Plan 10 from Outer Space

**Insane Ramblings: **Well, this is the next chapter. Sorry I haven't updated in a long time, people. I lost a load of files (I know - I should have backed them up.) from a personal organiser, so I've had to re-write the whole thing. Plus I went into a brief spell of Harry Potter-madness following the 6th film, and have thus started a new fic. Anywho, I still haven't forgotten old Red Dwarf, so here we go:

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Plan 10 from Outer Space

In the next few weeks, none of the crew aged at all, though they were, perhaps, mentally scarred. This was because they had been forced to live under the insane rulings of a toaster. A toaster who, 'naturally', would want them to eat toast, and only toast.

After those few weeks, the scars were fading, because the crew, or rather Kryten, had found a way to eat food other than toast.

Life had become much more easy in general after those few weeks, because the E.E.P had picked up several more life-forms, including GELFS and a rather embarrassed Simulant who would have no chance of re-entering his society once they realised what had happened to him. This meant that Talkie Toaster had more beings to deal with, and thus was not as bothered with his original four prisoners. This allowed Kryten to hack into the main computer in the control room and change their lives considerably.

"I can't believe it," said Rimmer, shaking his head. "He can have any food in the world he wants, and he goes back to living on Vindaloo!"

"The Catsh livinch onch fish!" exclaimed Lister, spluttering Vindaloo all over the place.

"Oh, God," said Rimmer in disgust. "But one: Cat isn't so disgusting about it. And two: He's a cat, so he's weird, anyway. But you! You're _supposed _to be a human being and you're barely a chimpanzee!"

"Watsh thatch supposhed to mean?"

"Oh, please. _Swallow _before you speak."

"I'm the last human being alive, thank you very much from-a-guy-who-isn't-even-alive!"

"Don't start on that, Lister! I can hurt you now!"

"Don't start arguing again, please!" bawled Kryten, "Quite frankly, I've had enough of you two! At _least_ Mr Cat is so shallow that as long as he has enough shiny things and stuff to play with and food and drink and clothes to wear he doesn't complain! You two could do with taking a leaf out of his book! Anyway, I _do _have some good news!"

"Is it about the Plan 10 from Outer Space?" asked Rimmer excitedly.

"Yes, it is actually. In our oval-shaped orbit, we will be passing an electrical field in approximately... 14 hours. That will create enough electrical disturbance to cause a technical difficulties, enhanced on my behalf in the control room. We will pass it for about an hour, considering that this planet is quite fast moving. So we need to prepare for our escape plan."

"What's our escape plan?"

"I've figured it all out, sirs, but we'll need Holly. I've managed to connect with her through the control room. When the planet experiences... difficulties, she'll be able to take control of certain sections of the planet, to hopefully make our journey to the foyer as easy as possible."

"But what about the ship?"

"The ship and foyer were never under control. The toaster isn't exactly a hacking genius so he never managed to penetrate those heavily guarded areas."

"And the other life-forms?"

"They will probably make life difficult for us, though I would imagine that, if we can, we should try to get as many people out as possible."

"And the toaster?"

"One of us will need to snatch him, and hopefully by doing so we won't have Mr Flibbles chasing us, either."

Rimmer fiddled nervously with the buttons of his shirt. Lister spotted him and broke into a wide grin.

"How many times, Rimmer?"

"What?" snapped Rimmer.

"You know. How many times? Hold on..." he looked up and started counting in his head.

"Don't start, Lister! It's all done to humiliate me, I know it is! Don't make it worse!"

"Ha! You don't know me at all, do ya Rimmer!"

Kryten, sensing another argument rising, cut through. "Well – anyway, I'm sure the toaster would have been expecting something like this to happen. We must _not _get distracted, sirs, OK? I repeat: _we must NOT get distracted!_"

But Lister had burst into laughter after counting all the times Rimmer had been sent to Mr Flibbles' room, and the Cat had just arrived from a long catnap.

"What's goin' on, guys?"


End file.
